HELP

12 Jul

I was about to post one simple little recipe for sea salt chocolate chip cookies, but like that evil mary jane, sea salt chocolate chip cookies only seem to be a gateway drug, as I have found myself finding more and more delicious baked goods being waved around in my face when I hope from site to site, drooling.

I need help man. And I don’t even LOVVVVVE sweets (I’m a salt person myself).

I need an intervention. At the end you can ask me if I will accept your pleas for help and head to buttfuck egypt florida to attend baked goods rehab. I will hesitantly agree then the screen will fade to black and the words “Chrissy left Harmony Baked Goods Rehabilitation after 17 minutes.” and you will sigh because listen, you kind of got attached to me in that one hour, right? I seemed like a good enough person who just fell into a rough crowd. Then something traumatizing happened to me. Something that most people could get over easily but…for whatever reason…I turned to baked goods. “She used to be so active and fun”, you’d say, fighting back tears. I had wonderful relationships with anyone I encountered and now…now I’m just dark behind the eyes. It’s like I have been inhabited by a baked goods demon. I have started going through your drawers looking for cash. Pawning your things to support my habit. And you just. can’t. take it anymore.

Here. Take these recipes away from me, for my own good:

Sea Salt Chocolate Chip Cookies
Picture from citrusandcandy.com || recipe here.

Cinnamon Roll Pie (seriously, YUM)
Photo from summerofpie.com || recipe here.

citrusandcandy.com
photo from traceysculinaryadventures.blogspot.com || recipe here.

**A few things: First of all, “chocolate chip cream scones with maple coffee glaze” has SO MANY FREAKING AMAZING WORDS IN IT. As does “cinnamon roll pie”. And “sea salt chocolate chip cookies”. Fuck it no more talking chrissy want cookies omnomnomnomnomnomnomnlkjfgksjgslkgjslkgjslhkjfhlksjhlskhjdkjhldjfhdf

- fade to black -

22 Responses to “HELP”

  1. theworldoftiffany July 12, 2011 at 11:20 pm #

    I am making those cookies and eating all of them!!!! I can’t wait.

  2. Joe July 12, 2011 at 11:20 pm #

    Your blogs are always funny as hell but this is the best one yet. Also, I love the fact that you, unlike most bloggers, don’t feel the need to write a novel every time. Other blogs are too long for a st****f like me.

  3. becs July 12, 2011 at 11:28 pm #

    sea salt and sweet makes anything amazing. i want those sea salt chocolate chip cookies right now. damn girl, you torture yourself and your readers. i too have turned to baked goods too many times in my life (i was a baker at a camp for two summers years ago, which definitely strengthened the addiction i fight daily). great post with excellent descriptive writing.

    btw, did you ever look into those supplements or biosignature? (not to ruin all this wonderful sweet talk with the “d” four-letter word talk)

  4. Isabell Rolf July 12, 2011 at 11:42 pm #

    That’s funny you mention the ‘sweet vs. salt’ thing. My boyfriend and every other Asian I’ve asked told me ‘eh i’m not too into real sugary stuff, give me chips or w/e any day’. Apparently, their childhood consisted of fruit as desserts so they rarely crave chocolate or other unhealthy sweet (redundant?) shiz. Apparently my mom failed miserably in this department!

  5. Brian Connell July 12, 2011 at 11:42 pm #

    Gonna be honest that this whole “baked goods” things comes as a bit of a surprise. You seem way too chill to be the annoying chick at the get together that always brings her signature cupcakes and forces everyone to eat one while beaming with self satisfaction. You’ve got to fight this.

  6. Melissa July 12, 2011 at 11:52 pm #

    Yuuuummmm!!!! Those cookies look amazing. I’m a salt person as well, but anything sweet AND salty is (usually) to die for. I will most definitely be making these ones!

  7. jessicamatushek July 12, 2011 at 11:59 pm #

    Ahh I need those sea salt cookies. I’m a salty over sweet person as well. Chocolate covered pretzels are my go to sweet thing. I love that you’re blogging, another great distraction from my desk job. I stalk you on twitter too, my alias is gogdondo.

    • Ron July 13, 2011 at 3:09 pm #

      If ever in Syracuse go to Hercules Chocolates, it’s been around for decades, They have the BEST Chocolate covered potato chips. Talk about sweet and salty, yummmmmmmmmmm……

  8. catvoncat July 13, 2011 at 12:05 am #

    Sea salt and chocolate is the best flavor combination ever. Those cookies WILL be mine.

    Also, this is unrelated to the topic of this particular post, but do you know about these? It’s… it’s a grilled cheese pretzel. http://www.kimandscotts.com/products/varieties/grilled-cheese/ Must. Try.

  9. Ivana Imiliphotocom July 13, 2011 at 2:24 am #

    Wow, it looks sooooo delicious! I don´t know how you can be around all of that and not EAT it :-) You rock!

    The thing with sweets or salty, whichever you love more makes no difference to your body really. Since all of it, all the carbs (no matter what they taste to us), they all turn into SUGAR in our body. Meaning that your body has a natural need for sugar which most of us F”#$ UP with our eating habits, so what you are going through is a normal sugar withdrawal as your body is used to more carbs than it´s getting now and it takes about 3 weeks to stabilize this if you eat every 3 hours. That´s the only way to really keep the sugar levels in your body intact. :-)

    Good luck with staying healthy, smart, funny and beautiful woman, you! :-)

    • chrissyteigen July 13, 2011 at 11:54 am #

      thank you, miss! love when women can support one another.

      and fuck sugar i love it but it’s so mean to me.

      • Ivana Imiliphotocom July 14, 2011 at 5:37 am #

        No prob;-) I have no twitter account but have been “following” you anyway. You are sooo funny I can´t help it;-)

        Suger is the best and worst at the same time! I always said, when i grow old I´ll be eating cake for breakfast, lunch and dinner, everyday! LOL but I guess by that time all the current sugar intake is gonna kill me. Sigh!

        Love!

  10. Ivana Imiliphotocom July 13, 2011 at 2:26 am #

    Ahhh crap, I didn´t mean to say good luck with all the 4, just healthy part. Smart, funny, beautiful, you have no problem with;-)

  11. candice July 13, 2011 at 9:18 am #

    you are seriously trying to kill me. and i love you for it. thank you thank you thank you for these. definitely making the sea salt chocolate chip cookies and the cinnamon roll pie (oh my god).

  12. Ron July 13, 2011 at 3:10 pm #

    I am afraid to even open the link to that cinamon roll pie, I would make it and devour it immediately!

  13. Kate July 13, 2011 at 3:28 pm #

    Great post! I’m sorry to contribute to your addiction with the pie, but I’m glad you liked it. I’m beyond rehab at this point :-)

    • Caroline July 14, 2011 at 4:09 pm #

      cant wait to make the sea-salt choc chip cookies tonight… but if you really want to overdose on baked goods (or if we’re talking about post-intervention, then a good oldfashioned chocolate relapse), you have to try these cookies they are absolutey to die for

      http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/brownie-cookies-10000001933279/

      and add white chocolate chips to them… nom.

  14. kat July 14, 2011 at 1:59 pm #

    Chrissy, check out this website! http://www.gojee.com. It’s like food gawker, but better because it helps you find recipes base of your likes/dislikes! Here’s a short blurb on it: http://gothamist.com/2011/07/13/new_recipe_website_will_help_you_fi.php

  15. actorsdiet July 23, 2011 at 5:50 pm #

    i recently made these cajun brownies with potato chips:

    http://theactorsdiet.wordpress.com/2011/07/03/special-brownies/

    sweet, salty AND spicy!!! my new fave combo

  16. Hanna Robitaille July 25, 2011 at 9:50 am #

    I’m a culinary student at NECI in Vermont and for my Baking cookie final I made candied bacon chocolate chip cookies!! They were sinful. :)

  17. Shan July 31, 2011 at 6:04 pm #

    I made the sea salt cookies but with white choc chips and added cocoa to make them chocolate. Damn you Chrissy: you have ruined my life!! I can now only eat these as my sole source of food, they are TOO good!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!! I want some now…. For breakfast!!!!

  18. Amanda August 3, 2011 at 1:14 pm #

    It’s been three weeks since I read this post and followed the link to the pie website and I am still trying to fight the urge to make that damn cinnamon roll pie. Love the blog, but I hate it a little too…..

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