The World’s Best Caesar Salad Dressing In the Universe

Okay. I have no idea if that’s true. But I’ve learned that if you use the words “best”, “most”, “delicious” or “world” in your recipe, the post is pretty much the first thing that comes up if googled, whether it’s awesome or not.

But. I would never say that without the confidence that it really is as good as it gets, as far as simple/delicious goes. And who doesn’t want that?

Exhibit A: Simple.

Worcestershire sauce. Essentially, war shi shire. Like chill on the letters, UK-place-I-just-wiki’ed. Let’s share with other words okay?

Mayo. If you have an aversion to mayo, why are you even here? Did it hurt your family? Unless it hurt your family you need to relax and enjoy the simple things in life. Like oil and eggs beat together until unrecognizable.

Dijon. I never have fewer than 3 jars of dijon mustard in my fridge.

Garlic. Because garlic is awesome.

Parmesan cheese. Freshly grated. Leave the green Kraft shaker tubes in your college days, like your liver/positivity/sense of hope for the world.

Lemon. Because it’s tangy and stuff.

Anchovy paste. You can find by the cans of tuna in any grocery store. I KNOW. Anchovies are weird. They look gross. Whole, they are freaky. In a paste, they look like baby shit. I can’t put it any other way: you’re gonna have to get over this. It’s a must. Like loving your own children.

Salt and Pepper. Not sure if I’ve ever told you my favorite but Diamond Crystal kosher salt is just the tits. Today I read that Taylor Swift said there is a special place in hell for Amy Poehler, Tina Fey and table salt. Random I know, but I agree, Taytay.

Here’s the recipe, friends…

The World’s Best Caesar Salad Dressing In the Universe World Most Delicious

  • 3 cloves garlic, finely minced
  • 1.5 teaspoons anchovy paste
  • 2 tablespoons freshly squeezed lemon juice
  • 1.5 teaspoons dijon mustard
  • 1 teaspoon worcestershire sauce
  • 1 cup mayo
  • 2/3 cup freshly grated parmesan (super fine, like you) (actually, a smidge less than 2/3 cup if we’re being exact)
  • salt and pepper to taste (so much pressure is on you here don’t fuck it up) (usually around 1/4 tsp each)

In a large bowl, or medium, who cares, your mess not mine, combine the first 5 ingredients.


Add the mayo and parmesan. Whisk. Add plenty of pepper and a few dashes of salt. Taste.


Add more of whatever else you fancy, because you are independent and can make your own decisions in life right dad RIGHT DAD I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT I’M AN ADULT whoa sorry anyhow whisk it all up and stuff. It will look like nice and thick like everything great in life what oh god what the fuck backspace backspace sorry


Make sure to have your asian mom doing her stretches in front of investigation discovery as you make this. That’s really crucial to the recipe.

Want to know the secret to a great salad? Be lazy. All great chefs know that their diners should always be the ones forced to cut their salad. Okay that’s not true but it does look rather pro on a plate.


Oh don’t mind those perfect looking scallops that snuck their way into the photo because I refused to crop them out so I could show them and type this entire sentence. They’ll be on the next post…

Oo. Thinly shave some parmesan and toss it on, too. And croutons, of course. I forgot them for the photo but here is a great, super simple recipe for homemade croutons (although I highly suggest another clove of garlic, and don’t make your cubes too small or they look store-bought and laaaaaame):

Remember that this is how Iiiiii love my caesar dressing to taste, but the world is your oyster. Your anchovy paste. Do with it as you please.