The Perfect Scallop

I am insecure with many things I cook. But scallops? Oh I’m good at scallops.

My favorite things about scallops: their delectable sweetness, their ability to morph flavors and be perfect with whatever surrounding you choose, and the fact that all you need is salt and pepper to make them the bomb.edu (people take .edu things more seriously I don’t know why this hasn’t caught on)

About a year ago, I did a post about scallops thinking I knew what I was doing. I mean, I used FLOUR. I am ashamed and have since removed the post. Scallops are one of those meals that impress people when done at home — and it cannot get any easier than this.

OH MY FUCKING SHIT I AM SO BEYOND PISSED RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I FINISHED THIS POST ON THE AIRPLANE WHEN I HAD NO INTERNET AND I JUST WENT ON TO POST IT AND THE HOTEL DECIDED THAT MY POST WAS WORTHLESS AND I AM NEAR TEARS BECAUSE WELL ON MY PERIOD THIS IS A REALLY HUGE DEAL APPARENTLY AND NOW I HAVE TO TYPE IT AGAIN BUT I CAN’T SEE THROUGH THE ANGER AND SADNESS OH THE HUMANITY

Oh god. I’m sad. Typing this out is now painful.

ANY. HOW. Now I will angrily type this out dammit shit fuck balls HERE:

STEP FUCKING ONE: It is crucial that your scallops are super, super dry. Oh please, please do not buy them frozen and thaw them, I beg of you. When you are ready to start your super awesome meal, lay out your scallops onto a bed of 2 or 3 paper towels. Dab em dry, let em sit for a bit, turn em over, and let them sit for a little bit longer.

STEP FUCKING TWO: When they are nice and dry, season them WELL! Scallops are super sweet — one of the carbiest of the ummmm uhhhhhhhh *opens new window, wikipedias scallops* marine bivalve mollusks of the pectinidae family also the cosmopolitan family wtf anyhow they’re sweet so they can handle more kosher salt than you’d think. I heavily pepper mine as well — fiiiiine pepper so it don’t burn, worrrrrd. Season both sides and let those little marine bivalve mollusks chillax.

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STEP THREE (not mad anymore): Take your pan (preferably stainless steel because it gets nice and hot) and put in one tablespoon of unsalted butter and one tablespoon of oil (canola, veg, grapeseed, peanut — not olive!). Get it nice and hot on high (smoking) and set your timer for 90 seconds to 2 minutes. The ones i have photographed are a little under 2 minutes because I love a dark sear outside and the middle ends up just perfect. Don’t just use oil — the butter is what will make it nice and brown.

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STEP FOUR: Put your scallops on and listen to that fat sear your scallops to perfection. DFWI! That’s “don’t fuck with it”! The urge to move your marine bovine sandy pollock cosmopolitan hotels will be strong. FIGHT THE URGE! When the timer is up, flip em and do the other side for 90 seconds to 2 minutes.

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STEP FIVE: Take pictures with your dog because she is adorbz.

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Of course, you can cook these scallops a little more or a little less depending on how you like them. My mom likes them borderline raw so I just do a little less than a minute on each side. Dad likes them well done, so I go a little over two minutes each side. Remember not to crowd the pan — I do just 3 or 4 at a time and clean out the pan between batches. The entire cooking process is so quick that it’s not a big deal and it is totally worth it for the beautiful little bastards.

What have I plated them with, you ask?

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To me, corn and scallops go together like courtney stodden and brown urine. I have no idea what that means but she looks like she would have stinky pee.

Before I even start the too-easy scallops process, I take a can (I KNOW RIGHT, A CAN) of sweet whole corn kernels, some diced up cherry tomatoes, basil and red bell pepper and sauté it all up in a pan with a bit of butter. This then becomes a nice little bed for my marine orion constellation mandalay bay hotel mollusks.

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Started the caesar as well. Because that caesar is bannnnngggginnnnnn.

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Voila! You have done it. And you will love it. The perfect scallop.

Enjoy!!

xx

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