low and slow scrambled eggs

I wanted to call these “low and slow cheesy cheeseless eggs” but that sounded like one of those stupid options in a vegan shack and I think we all know by now that I don’t fux with vegans.


These are morning HEAVEN.

You ever hear about that “engagement chicken” recipe? You know, that silly chicken that you make and supposedly your man loves it so much you get engaged within months? First of all, barf at the idea of that. Second of all, MEN BEWARE! WOMEN MAKING CHICKEN FROM A MAGAZINE WANT A RING DO NOT LIKE THE CHICKEN I REPEAT DO NOT ENJOY THE CHICKEN UNLESS YOU REALLY LOVE HER. Anyhow these…these are my man pleasing’ sex eggs.

My instructor, Su, made these for me before school one day. It was fascinating to me for many reasons: THEY WERE UNBELIEVABLY DELICIOUS in a world where wonderfully ¬†brilliant dishes are served all around the world, every day. How could something as simple as SCRAMBLED EGGS be so….creamy, flavorful, savory, cheeeeeesy. They actually tasted like they had love inside of them. And they did — 6 – 8 eggs can take around 20 minutes of constannnnnt babying.

As Su stirrrrred and scraped, stirrrrrred and scraped, with the pace of a hungover Chrissy, I felt ashamed of how I normally cooked eggs. My scrambled eggs take mayyyyyybe 90 seconds. That’s not love! At that point you might as well microwave that shit and drown it in ketchup.

Done well, these will taste like…like cheese. I couldn’t think about anything else aside from “how do these not have cheese in them??”.

No recipe here. Just tips. The keys: Super low heat. Constant attention. A spatula. Non stick pan. Lots of butter. Generous splash of heavy cream and plenty of salt and pepper in the scrambled egg mixture.

The pictures make me hungry :( But sigh. You deserve it…

screen-shot-2012-10-15-at-4-07-04-pmThis is for 2. We really love eggs. And what! 8 eggs calls for more heavy cream okkkkaaaaaaaaay?


Season your eggs heavily with salt and pepper. Whisk.

screen-shot-2012-10-15-at-4-08-59-pmSeason your home cured bacon. Oh what? You store bought your bacon? Ha that’s soooo cute. Just kidding. I’m a bitch.

screen-shot-2012-10-15-at-4-11-11-pmToss enough butter in your pan to make Paula Deen smile.

screen-shot-2012-10-15-at-4-14-13-pmOne of my new favorite kitchen tools: a heat-proof silicon spatula. Fits perrrrrfectly for these eggs, neatly and gently scrapes — that’s not the right word — grazes, the sides of your pan. Never stop doing this kind motion: allllll around the pan circular scrape, followed by a push push push of the eggs from the outside toward the center. Repeat it all til done! Everything keeps moving.

screen-shot-2012-10-15-at-4-16-33-pmNot quite.

screen-shot-2012-10-15-at-4-14-57-pmGetting somewhere

screen-shot-2012-10-15-at-4-17-27-pmThere we go. Now truthfully, I would have taken it off the heat a minute or 2 before this. (by the way feel free to take the pan off the heat if you see any egg cooking too quickly) But since I know John prefers his scrambled eggs on the dryer side and only his omelets on the wet side, I found a nice happy medium. I didn’t wanna shock him into my creamy gooey eggs. I’ll get him next time…

screen-shot-2012-10-15-at-4-17-56-pmCan’t forget my one true love

screen-shot-2012-10-15-at-4-20-39-pmA close second

Man, this was harder to post than the fish. CURSE YOU, DIET!