I Know


I know.

So my tweet regarding a (hopefully) 10-day juice cleanse sparked a bit of curiosity from many! What am I doing, why am I doing it. There’s always the “THOSE ARE TERRIBLE FOR YOU” people, you know, the ones that have never done it but some TV doctor said they were terrible. I dunno. Here’s my take and reasoning…

It’s not something I should have even tweeted about. It’s honestly not something I push and advocate for, nor do I want to lose all credibility as someone who LOVES food. Trust me, I already got the, “you write a food blog and you don’t even eat” shit.

Would I EVER do a 10-day juice cleanse if I didn’t have to be in a bikini…sometimes only half a bikini….in highly circulated magazines? Holy shit, NO. I love my body. Well, I love my in-clothes body. Loving your bikini bod is a whole other ball game. And getting in a bikini when you just completed 3 weeks of not just eating but FEASTING every single day is a little daunting to say the least.

Now, I LOVE CURVES. I’ve said it before and I will say it for the rest of time. But that, unfortunately, isn’t how my body operates. Weight that I put on from loving food doesn’t distribute into the Kardashian-like teenie waist and bodacious ass. Chrissy’s version of curvy results in TSA agents patting me down and saying, “Ooo!” as if I’m about 4 months along. It’s just a…poof in my belly. Skinny legs. Skinny (untoned) arms. And a poof in the belly.

My belief is that this results from 2 things. One — not working out enough, plain and simple. Two — being on a low carb diet means you know cheese and fat is a-okay,  therefore you eat a shit ton of fat and dairy and I 100% believe that dairy goes straight to the waistline.

So that’s all. I am juicing to rid myself of that cheese-weight in the middle. To get rid of that feeling of overall “blah” in the midsection. Am I doing it to slim that area down? Fuck yeah. Anyone who says they are juicing “to rid the body of toxins” is either a fucking liar or they love raw veg juice to levels that I don’t really care to understand.

I don’t think I’m fat. I know I’m not. But I do know I feel gross and my body could use some real, raw nourishment. And since I am just an all-or-nothing kind of gal, this is what I’ve picked. A 10-day BluePrint moderate cleanse. It consists of 3 green juices a day, 1 spicy lemonade, 1 pineapple, and one delicious cashew milk drink. 6 juices a day. You can read more about it here.

I remember when I was living in a model’s apartment in South Beach. It was a two-bedroom that my old agency had packed 5 girls in. I actually was in the early days of dating John and can still remember us trying to make out on my little twin bed in a room with white walls, one plastic red lamp and those plastic vertical blinds that clank together when you so much as breathed on them. Anyhow, one of the other girls had told me about the “master cleanse” which I’m sure you’ve heard of — that one is literally ONLY DRINKING ONE KIND OF DRINK FOR A WEEK. A mixture of water, maple syrup and cayenne. I used to make mine SO extra spicy so my belly would forget to send me hunger signals. It was a really, really terrible thing to do. I did it for Miami’s swim fashion week, it did the job, but wow, the weight came back quickly and angrily within DAYS after I stopped.

The Blueprint cleanse is great because it provides all-around nourishment. You are consuming around 20 pounds of fruits and vegetables (well however much juice that would make at least) every single day.

Am I getting paid for this? No. Not even a discount. Do I know what I am doing? Not at all. They send the juice. I drink the juice. I feel pretty damn good aside from just missing chewing something. I just drink the juice to halt what I’ve been doing to my body for the past few months. (Get. Out. Of. Me.). But I will try and keep you in the loop (here, NOT TWITTER. people who tweet about cleanses are assholes yes I am an asshole) IFFFF you care.

I know we all have different beliefs about this crap so I refuse, REFUSE to push this on you. And I hope you can do the same for me if you completely disagree with what I’m doing. I’m doing it. Damn my love of food and career choice. Oil and water. Don’t hate me. Don’t hate me.

And if you’re wondering, yep, I am trying to work out on it too.

I should put a food countdown clock on this blog…think I’ll work on that now. I tried to plan my Thanksgiving menu (GO GET BON APPETIT AND FOOD NETWORK MAGAZINE RIGHT NOW FOR THANKSGIVING ISSUES) but duh, it’s a little hard to read about my favorite holiday during these…these trying times.

Thank you for not hating me. And thank you for even reading this! Thank you for reading this entire freaking blog. I am actually glad I wrote about it now — now I REALLY need to stick with it. Pressssure!! Love you guys.


(PS: Am I drinking wine? Yes. Am I maybe gonna mix the spicy lemonade with a bit of vodka on a Friday night? Yep. Is this the healthiest? Nope. Do they advise against it? Uh huh. Am I gonna do it? Yep.)