home. cured. bacon.

Hey guys! Here are my tips to help you make that home cured bacon I was talking about earlier!

Ok ready?

Step one:

TRY TO BUY IT WITH THE EFFING SKIN OFF SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO SHAVE OFF THE SKIN AND THE NIPPLES YOURSELF. But if you can’t, just follow along. I’m here to help!

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Step 2!

Work tirelessly until your wrists cramp to remove skin that you TRULY thought would be a lot easier to remove. Don’t forget to be super traumatized by how painfully difficult this is when paired with the fact you have nipples in your face. Also, go ahead and turn it into a race against time, for reasons completely unknown! This keeps things really lively and dangerous in your kitchen. Be sure to wear sandals or be barefoot as you slice because that’ll be one, greasy, slippery knife as you butcher! It’s super fun to take risks! Makes you feel alive!! Have a first aid kit laying around? Toss that shit out! First aid kits only ruin the fun that is making your own bacon!

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Step 3!

Completely give the fuck up!

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Congratulations! You have now gotten as far as I did with your home cured bacon!

Oh don’t forget to smile as hard as your face will let you as everyone on twitter tells you to “have the butcher skin it next time!”

Hope you’ve enjoyed tonight’s lesson! I know I sure did!

x!

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