Archive | 7:46 pm

low and slow scrambled eggs

16 Oct

I wanted to call these “low and slow cheesy cheeseless eggs” but that sounded like one of those stupid options in a vegan shack and I think we all know by now that I don’t fux with vegans.

These are morning HEAVEN.

You ever hear about that “engagement chicken” recipe? You know, that silly chicken that you make and supposedly your man loves it so much you get engaged within months? First of all, barf at the idea of that. Second of all, MEN BEWARE! WOMEN MAKING CHICKEN FROM A MAGAZINE WANT A RING DO NOT LIKE THE CHICKEN I REPEAT DO NOT ENJOY THE CHICKEN UNLESS YOU REALLY LOVE HER. Anyhow these…these are my man pleasing’ sex eggs.

My instructor, Su, made these for me before school one day. It was fascinating to me for many reasons: THEY WERE UNBELIEVABLY DELICIOUS in a world where wonderfully  brilliant dishes are served all around the world, every day. How could something as simple as SCRAMBLED EGGS be so….creamy, flavorful, savory, cheeeeeesy. They actually tasted like they had love inside of them. And they did — 6 – 8 eggs can take around 20 minutes of constannnnnt babying.

As Su stirrrrred and scraped, stirrrrrred and scraped, with the pace of a hungover Chrissy, I felt ashamed of how I normally cooked eggs. My scrambled eggs take mayyyyyybe 90 seconds. That’s not love! At that point you might as well microwave that shit and drown it in ketchup.

Done well, these will taste like…like cheese. I couldn’t think about anything else aside from “how do these not have cheese in them??”.

No recipe here. Just tips. The keys: Super low heat. Constant attention. A spatula. Non stick pan. Lots of butter. Generous splash of heavy cream and plenty of salt and pepper in the scrambled egg mixture.

The pictures make me hungry :( But sigh. You deserve it…

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Day 2

16 Oct

Well, kinda.

You said you wanted to know how it’s going.

So, how exactly is it going?

The day flew by yesterday. Not bad at ALL. I DO NOT do this cleanse correctly. I am now more so working the green juices into a really strict diet plan — really strict until the 29th. And you can bet am going apeshit on the 29th. Then back to just being on a so-so diet.

God I hope no nutritionists are reading this. If you are, I’m sorry. One day, when I want a real cleanse, I will do this the way intended, I swear.

Anyhoo. Yesterday I had a green juice in the morning. A green juice in the afternoon. Then some spicy lemonade just to get a different flavor in my mouth. Then I started to really think about this around 6 o’clock.

I made the decision last night that I would turn this full-on juice cleanse into a juice + simple raw bites diet. I would allow small amounts of raw nuts, raw veg, a couple pieces of sashimi in moments of real hunger, avocado. That’s. All. And this wasn’t the extreme hunger talking. I actually wasn’t starving at all. Nor was I picturing John’s head as a turkey like the cartoons. But I kinda started to freak at the amount of carbs in these juices. If you actually do the cleanse as a cleanse, you are still consuming a full, regular diet’s day worth of calories and a shit ton of carbs. It cleanses your body — what it is meant to do. But most don’t actually lose weight from it. And they don’t promote it as a weight loss thing, obviously. And….like I said, we’re trying to flatten the pooch here. Because somewhere underneath that cheese weight is muscle I want to get back with this, and some working out times.

Also, I knew I would never be drinking all 6 of these drinks in one day AND be happy knowing I was having that many carbs and calories still. Because the secret is out, I’m not doing it juuuuuust to “rid my body of toxins”. I needed to make the adjustments necessary to keep meeee happy.

So, back to last night. I ate a handful of raw almonds (which tasted like heaven at this point) and ordered a few pieces of sashimi. Ate that with another green juice (my third for the day) then hit the sack.

Well I TRIED TO HIT THE SACK. I laid there, all night. Not hungry…just….awake. I missed the feeling of going to bed with a full, heavy belly. That feeling is soothing to me. Even though I wasn’t hungry, I wasn’t full. It kinda sucked. I sipped on (some) of the sickly delicious cashew milk (w agave, vanilla and cinnamon) like a little baby as I fell asleep to Jill Zarin’s crazy ass on Watch What Happens Live (CAN WE DISCUSS??)

Today. Today I decided it’s prob not best to just drink juice all day then eat right before the complete inactivity of laying in bed, so why not spread it out more.

So, green juice for breakfast, then for lunch I had (some) of this…

One of my favorite salads — simple arugula with lemon, tomatoes and NORMALLY excessive slices of parmesan cheese.

And you know what? It sucked. It tasted like I was chewing the juice I had just had. I might as well just had more fucking juice. I realized I was developing juice brain. Everything tastes like juice. The juice controls you. You are actually mad at yourself for biting solids. “JUICE DON’T PLAY DAT”, says the juice, sitting on your shoulder as it slaps you with a sock of coins. You feel bad. You apologize to juice. He says “SMH”. But he doesn’t actually S his H so you’re like, kinda confused. But your hungry so you brush it off.

I went about my daily business. Doctor’s appointment, dress fitting. Got home. Handful of almonds. That, I like. Now I plan on another green juice and milk before bed.

As sick and sad as this whole thing sounds, I really do feel really okay. Like a lot better than I have when I have severely deprived myself before. We can’t forget that this green juice is still 6 pounds of veg nourishment in one little bottle. 3 of those plus these sad, light snacks is not bad at all. And I feel the difference already.

Am I a little slow? For sure. A little…what’s the word….angry? Definitely not ANNNNGRY. Definitely not “HAPPPPPPPY!!!!!!!!!”. Is my belly flatter and do I feel physically good? Definitely. Yes.

But man, I cannot wait until the 29th.

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