Hey guys! Here are my tips to help you make that home cured bacon I was talking about earlier!
Ok ready?
Step one:
TRY TO BUY IT WITH THE EFFING SKIN OFF SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO SHAVE OFF THE SKIN AND THE NIPPLES YOURSELF. But if you can’t, just follow along. I’m here to help!
Step 2!
Work tirelessly until your wrists cramp to remove skin that you TRULY thought would be a lot easier to remove. Don’t forget to be super traumatized by how painfully difficult this is when paired with the fact you have nipples in your face. Also, go ahead and turn it into a race against time, for reasons completely unknown! This keeps things really lively and dangerous in your kitchen. Be sure to wear sandals or be barefoot as you slice because that’ll be one, greasy, slippery knife as you butcher! It’s super fun to take risks! Makes you feel alive!! Have a first aid kit laying around? Toss that shit out! First aid kits only ruin the fun that is making your own bacon!
Step 3!
Completely give the fuck up!
Congratulations! You have now gotten as far as I did with your home cured bacon!
Oh don’t forget to smile as hard as your face will let you as everyone on twitter tells you to “have the butcher skin it next time!”
Hope you’ve enjoyed tonight’s lesson! I know I sure did!
x!
Lmao! Best post yet….hilarious! My fave was step 3 and the pictures of it. Sorry your attempt of making home cured bacon didn’t work out this time. I’m sure you’ll get it right next time.
Oh but now you have a great reason (as if one truly needs one) to go to Eataly again!
best. post. ever. Lesson learned: Never pay for nipples.
step 4: go to brunch for bacon.
this made my night.
Loved it! Know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold them. The nips would have freaked me the freak out. Great post!
bhahahahahhahaha. i literally laughed out loud. i am still laughing!
Bummer for you but some garbage diver is gonna think they died and went to heaven. Who knew you have to ask them to clip the nips…
Awwww. Pork skin is brutal. I f’n HATE it!! There are tips when removing it, but I won’t even bother seeing how the belly is already in the trash bin. At least you have the pink curing salt!!!
Hee Larry us!!!! “have a first aid kit? Toss that shit out”!
Ouch! Yeah, I dont like my food to have nipples so I’ll skip this one. Thanks for the info & laugh!
Pure awesomeness. The nipples are freaky.
Lmao! & how freaky are those nipples…shudder! You put up a good fight!
Lol! I would have done the same thing as soon as I saw the nipples!
You should bottle and sell this post to anyone who is thinking about going vegetarian but isn’t sure they can give up meat.
Awww …..was rooting for you too. Damn you, nippled pork belly!
Did not see that one coming! lmao
Those nipples will haunt my dreams tonight…
Have you tried the bacon at Dickson’s Farmstand in Chelsea Market? It’s amazing.
Unlike Mark Zuckerberg who apparently is now killing his own meat to be less “irresponsible” and I guess to remember that the pig he is eating was once alive – I have no desire for that shit because have you ever seen a pig wag its tail? Sad. It reminds me of my German Shepherd after he hasn’t seen me for a couple of hours. I’m Asian but not that Asian. Tell the butcher to remove those nipples!
Sweet lord, I may never eat bacon again after your comparing a pig wagging it’s tail to a german shepherd comment . . . I have the heeby jeebies right now typing this. Thanks alot. (nah, who am I trying to kid. By tomorrow afternoon I’ll be craving a BLT)
If I do go for the BLT, I’ll be sure to ask them to hold the nipples . . .
I think the bacon gods are gettin back at you for tweeting that you wish you had a meat slicer to cut your breasts off for the sake of high fashion.
“Slice THESE, Chrissy!”
Next project: Plucking your own chicken!
A for effort? I was also pulling for you on this one and was expecting to open the site to see delicious crispy homemade bacon atop some fish and veggies or some other low carb creation of yours.
Keep the pink salt out to give you motivation to try it out again. Don’t let it be something you’ll find in the back of your pantry in 2 years. “Oh yeah…that one night when I dealt with pig nipples..”
Hahaha!! All my obsessive / compulsive ass can think about is that you should take that garbage bag directly to the trash or it will really stink up your place.
Better luck next time!
you have to throw it in the freezer for like 15-25 minutes so it gets firm so it is easier to cut the skin off.. i hate to see delicious pork belly go to waste.
I didn’t believe you about the nipples. I DIDN’T BELIEVE YOU. And then I saw them in all their aroused glory. It looked like a mutant piece of meat that was steadily coming to life, and now it’s lying curled up in rest at the bottom of your bin.
Also – now never eating bacon again after I’ve seen pig nips.
Love your posts, Chrissy!
You should edit your tagline: PERSONAL RANDOM RAMBLINGS FROM A GIRL WHO LOVES BACON (SANS SKIN / NIPPLES) AND CAN’T BE FAT.
ah, this food venture had such hope in the “jerks and bacon” post. think you’ve got a father-daughter bonding, home-cured bacon date in your future.
Oh. My. God! You are fucking hilarious…. nipples in your face!!! This made my morning. Awww.. you threw out that huge piece of pork belly..
Bad Chrissy.
Actually, depending on what you are planning for your pork belly, you can leave the skin on and take it off at the end… or leave it to get crispy like this: http://julesfood.blogspot.com/2010/08/jamie-olivers-crispy-skin-pork-belly.html
Thanks for starting my day with a good out loud laugh!! Every time I think of your adventure I start to giggle, hope people at work don’t think I’m crazy.
This made me think of Meet the Parents, “I have nipples, Chrissy, can you milk me?” said the pork belly. Great post!
Good job! I was waiting for you to throw that shit out and head to the store for some already cured bacon. You can’t fault a girl fir trying. One time I thought I could tile the floor! Lol!!
Ha ha ha- I saw the twitter feed and thought wow she really did it- but then seeing this made me laugh out loud. I would have stopped as soon as I realized the thing still had cute little baby nipples.
So hilarious!!! Girl, you made it farther than me. I would have thrown it in the trash as soon as I realized I would be required to shave nipples! You may have put me off bacon for a week. Haha.
Stupid Momofuku cookbook made it sound so easy to cut off pork skin, like it’s the easiest thing to do in the kitchen. Renovating a kitchen is easier. Next time, before giving up, just remember that no matter how jagged and messy a piece of shit it looks, once it’s cured and cooked nobody will be able to tell! And your wrists will only throb for a week or so making even simple tasks like writing torturous.
i haven’t read many things better than this.
Sitting at my desk at work reading something I shouldn’t be and laughing so hard people are wondering wtf is wrong with me! Better luck next time
This is an epic post. The nips. The nips!
EWWWWW! Ew. Ew. Ew. Those nipples are just on a whole different level. Better luck next time Chrissy!!
Oh my god, I almost fell off my chair from laughing so hard! You seriously crack my shit up on a daily basis, Chrissy. It must have taken a lot of restraint not to try and milk those damn nipples.
Love your posts and tweets!
But just imagine how easy it’s going to seem next time you try.
I am obsessed with your blog. But not in a creepy, I have a van sort of way. I’ve been sharing it with all of my fellow food loving friends.
I’ve looked at this post so many times and omg, those nipples are so weird. Like in my head I knew pigs and had nipples, but to see them just sitting there. Was NOT prepared.
That looks like the trash can of the doctors office after one of Joan River’s monthly touch ups.
LMAO the though of you shaving away the nipples. I feel for you hahah
OMG THIS POST IS MAD HILARIOUS!!!!!!!! It makes me appreciate my perfectly packaged store-bought bacon ;P
You crack me up! I am for sure going to be making my own bacon now… Bacon makes everything better!
HAHAHAHA funniest post ever, hilarious! LOVE your blog! x
Give it another shot. Nothing tastes better that bacon you have made from scratch: http://tiltingsuds.wordpress.com/2012/02/23/did-anyone-say-bacon/
This is the best post ever!
This is too funny! Gave me tears! My new fave blog!!
LOL!!! Just say NO to nipples!