home. cured. bacon.

10 Aug

Hey guys! Here are my tips to help you make that home cured bacon I was talking about earlier!

Ok ready?

Step one:

TRY TO BUY IT WITH THE EFFING SKIN OFF SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO SHAVE OFF THE SKIN AND THE NIPPLES YOURSELF. But if you can’t, just follow along. I’m here to help!

Step 2!

Work tirelessly until your wrists cramp to remove skin that you TRULY thought would be a lot easier to remove. Don’t forget to be super traumatized by how painfully difficult this is when paired with the fact you have nipples in your face. Also, go ahead and turn it into a race against time, for reasons completely unknown! This keeps things really lively and dangerous in your kitchen. Be sure to wear sandals or be barefoot as you slice because that’ll be one, greasy, slippery knife as you butcher! It’s super fun to take risks! Makes you feel alive!! Have a first aid kit laying around? Toss that shit out! First aid kits only ruin the fun that is making your own bacon!

Step 3!

Completely give the fuck up!

Congratulations! You have now gotten as far as I did with your home cured bacon!

Oh don’t forget to smile as hard as your face will let you as everyone on twitter tells you to “have the butcher skin it next time!”

Hope you’ve enjoyed tonight’s lesson! I know I sure did!

x!

55 Responses to “home. cured. bacon.”

  1. Cynthia August 10, 2011 at 10:44 pm #

    Lmao! Best post yet….hilarious! My fave was step 3 and the pictures of it. Sorry your attempt of making home cured bacon didn’t work out this time. I’m sure you’ll get it right next time.

  2. Ally August 10, 2011 at 10:44 pm #

    Oh but now you have a great reason (as if one truly needs one) to go to Eataly again!

  3. meg August 10, 2011 at 10:46 pm #

    best. post. ever. Lesson learned: Never pay for nipples.

  4. Alexandra August 10, 2011 at 10:47 pm #

    step 4: go to brunch for bacon.

    this made my night.

  5. Robin August 10, 2011 at 10:47 pm #

    Loved it! Know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold them. The nips would have freaked me the freak out. Great post!

  6. nycgirl August 10, 2011 at 10:47 pm #

    bhahahahahhahaha. i literally laughed out loud. i am still laughing! :)

  7. Edith August 10, 2011 at 10:49 pm #

    Bummer for you but some garbage diver is gonna think they died and went to heaven. Who knew you have to ask them to clip the nips…

  8. Rob Chase August 10, 2011 at 10:51 pm #

    Awwww. Pork skin is brutal. I f’n HATE it!! There are tips when removing it, but I won’t even bother seeing how the belly is already in the trash bin. At least you have the pink curing salt!!! :)

  9. Chaun August 10, 2011 at 10:58 pm #

    Hee Larry us!!!! “have a first aid kit? Toss that shit out”!

  10. Nikki August 10, 2011 at 10:59 pm #

    Ouch! Yeah, I dont like my food to have nipples so I’ll skip this one. Thanks for the info & laugh!

  11. Christina August 10, 2011 at 10:59 pm #

    Pure awesomeness. The nipples are freaky.

  12. Zizwe August 10, 2011 at 11:01 pm #

    Lmao! & how freaky are those nipples…shudder! You put up a good fight!

  13. Gayla Adrianne (@gayla_adrianne) August 10, 2011 at 11:01 pm #

    Lol! I would have done the same thing as soon as I saw the nipples!

  14. catvoncat August 10, 2011 at 11:02 pm #

    You should bottle and sell this post to anyone who is thinking about going vegetarian but isn’t sure they can give up meat.

  15. JaeXBunny August 10, 2011 at 11:04 pm #

    Awww …..was rooting for you too. Damn you, nippled pork belly!

  16. Arika (@karmalaluna) August 10, 2011 at 11:13 pm #

    Did not see that one coming! lmao

  17. Linsey August 10, 2011 at 11:17 pm #

    Those nipples will haunt my dreams tonight…

  18. Laura August 10, 2011 at 11:18 pm #

    Have you tried the bacon at Dickson’s Farmstand in Chelsea Market? It’s amazing.

  19. V August 10, 2011 at 11:29 pm #

    Unlike Mark Zuckerberg who apparently is now killing his own meat to be less “irresponsible” and I guess to remember that the pig he is eating was once alive – I have no desire for that shit because have you ever seen a pig wag its tail? Sad. It reminds me of my German Shepherd after he hasn’t seen me for a couple of hours. I’m Asian but not that Asian. Tell the butcher to remove those nipples!

    • Rob Chase August 11, 2011 at 12:21 am #

      Sweet lord, I may never eat bacon again after your comparing a pig wagging it’s tail to a german shepherd comment . . . I have the heeby jeebies right now typing this. Thanks alot. (nah, who am I trying to kid. By tomorrow afternoon I’ll be craving a BLT)

      • Rob Chase August 11, 2011 at 12:22 am #

        If I do go for the BLT, I’ll be sure to ask them to hold the nipples . . .

  20. Macy (@maysinukes) August 10, 2011 at 11:31 pm #

    I think the bacon gods are gettin back at you for tweeting that you wish you had a meat slicer to cut your breasts off for the sake of high fashion.

    “Slice THESE, Chrissy!”

    Next project: Plucking your own chicken!

  21. Jill August 10, 2011 at 11:32 pm #

    A for effort? I was also pulling for you on this one and was expecting to open the site to see delicious crispy homemade bacon atop some fish and veggies or some other low carb creation of yours.

    Keep the pink salt out to give you motivation to try it out again. Don’t let it be something you’ll find in the back of your pantry in 2 years. “Oh yeah…that one night when I dealt with pig nipples..”

  22. Sarah August 10, 2011 at 11:46 pm #

    Hahaha!! All my obsessive / compulsive ass can think about is that you should take that garbage bag directly to the trash or it will really stink up your place.

    Better luck next time!

  23. hungrydrunk August 11, 2011 at 1:17 am #

    you have to throw it in the freezer for like 15-25 minutes so it gets firm so it is easier to cut the skin off.. i hate to see delicious pork belly go to waste.

  24. Laurie Jaques (@lauriejaques) August 11, 2011 at 3:19 am #

    I didn’t believe you about the nipples. I DIDN’T BELIEVE YOU. And then I saw them in all their aroused glory. It looked like a mutant piece of meat that was steadily coming to life, and now it’s lying curled up in rest at the bottom of your bin.

    Also – now never eating bacon again after I’ve seen pig nips.

    Love your posts, Chrissy!

  25. becs August 11, 2011 at 5:20 am #

    You should edit your tagline: PERSONAL RANDOM RAMBLINGS FROM A GIRL WHO LOVES BACON (SANS SKIN / NIPPLES) AND CAN’T BE FAT.

    ah, this food venture had such hope in the “jerks and bacon” post. think you’ve got a father-daughter bonding, home-cured bacon date in your future.

  26. Olga August 11, 2011 at 7:26 am #

    Oh. My. God! You are fucking hilarious…. nipples in your face!!! This made my morning. Awww.. you threw out that huge piece of pork belly.. :( Bad Chrissy.

  27. Evan Y Liu MD JD August 11, 2011 at 8:20 am #

    Actually, depending on what you are planning for your pork belly, you can leave the skin on and take it off at the end… or leave it to get crispy like this: http://julesfood.blogspot.com/2010/08/jamie-olivers-crispy-skin-pork-belly.html

  28. elise August 11, 2011 at 8:33 am #

    Thanks for starting my day with a good out loud laugh!! Every time I think of your adventure I start to giggle, hope people at work don’t think I’m crazy. :)

  29. Joe August 11, 2011 at 9:09 am #

    This made me think of Meet the Parents, “I have nipples, Chrissy, can you milk me?” said the pork belly. Great post!

  30. Valeriejoi August 11, 2011 at 9:11 am #

    Good job! I was waiting for you to throw that shit out and head to the store for some already cured bacon. You can’t fault a girl fir trying. One time I thought I could tile the floor! Lol!!

  31. Sarah August 11, 2011 at 9:25 am #

    Ha ha ha- I saw the twitter feed and thought wow she really did it- but then seeing this made me laugh out loud. I would have stopped as soon as I realized the thing still had cute little baby nipples.

  32. michele August 11, 2011 at 10:17 am #

    So hilarious!!! Girl, you made it farther than me. I would have thrown it in the trash as soon as I realized I would be required to shave nipples! You may have put me off bacon for a week. Haha.

  33. DDallow August 11, 2011 at 10:26 am #

    Stupid Momofuku cookbook made it sound so easy to cut off pork skin, like it’s the easiest thing to do in the kitchen. Renovating a kitchen is easier. Next time, before giving up, just remember that no matter how jagged and messy a piece of shit it looks, once it’s cured and cooked nobody will be able to tell! And your wrists will only throb for a week or so making even simple tasks like writing torturous.

  34. kp August 11, 2011 at 10:27 am #

    i haven’t read many things better than this.

  35. April Larabee August 11, 2011 at 12:35 pm #

    Sitting at my desk at work reading something I shouldn’t be and laughing so hard people are wondering wtf is wrong with me! Better luck next time :)

  36. Elizabeth (@Uhhlizabeth) August 11, 2011 at 1:43 pm #

    This is an epic post. The nips. The nips!

  37. MelissaJ August 11, 2011 at 3:25 pm #

    EWWWWW! Ew. Ew. Ew. Those nipples are just on a whole different level. Better luck next time Chrissy!!

  38. Anjana August 11, 2011 at 3:51 pm #

    Oh my god, I almost fell off my chair from laughing so hard! You seriously crack my shit up on a daily basis, Chrissy. It must have taken a lot of restraint not to try and milk those damn nipples.

    Love your posts and tweets!

  39. Edward August 11, 2011 at 5:59 pm #

    But just imagine how easy it’s going to seem next time you try.

  40. Brandon August 11, 2011 at 7:51 pm #

    I am obsessed with your blog. But not in a creepy, I have a van sort of way. I’ve been sharing it with all of my fellow food loving friends.

  41. nashley August 12, 2011 at 11:42 am #

    I’ve looked at this post so many times and omg, those nipples are so weird. Like in my head I knew pigs and had nipples, but to see them just sitting there. Was NOT prepared.

  42. Jimmy Ravanos (@jravanos) August 12, 2011 at 5:58 pm #

    That looks like the trash can of the doctors office after one of Joan River’s monthly touch ups.

  43. Louie August 13, 2011 at 7:03 am #

    LMAO the though of you shaving away the nipples. I feel for you hahah

  44. Dionna August 14, 2011 at 9:40 pm #

    OMG THIS POST IS MAD HILARIOUS!!!!!!!! It makes me appreciate my perfectly packaged store-bought bacon ;P

  45. Julie Bunganich October 28, 2011 at 7:35 pm #

    You crack me up! I am for sure going to be making my own bacon now… Bacon makes everything better!

  46. Gina November 15, 2011 at 3:50 pm #

    HAHAHAHA funniest post ever, hilarious! LOVE your blog! x

  47. seanrude February 24, 2012 at 1:01 pm #

    Give it another shot. Nothing tastes better that bacon you have made from scratch: http://tiltingsuds.wordpress.com/2012/02/23/did-anyone-say-bacon/

  48. Emma April 26, 2012 at 1:53 pm #

    This is the best post ever!

  49. Sarah August 29, 2012 at 6:24 am #

    This is too funny! Gave me tears! My new fave blog!!

  50. Erica November 8, 2012 at 2:33 pm #

    LOL!!! Just say NO to nipples!

  51. rofl wtf November 14, 2013 at 7:40 pm #

    You can definitely visit your commitment in the work you write. The particular market wants much more enthusiastic authors like you who aren’t reluctant to say the direction they feel. Always chase your soul.

  52. Catherine Dream December 29, 2013 at 9:00 pm #

    Hahaha, I did NOT expect that finale.
    Hilarious <3

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Five Days With a Philips Airfryer – Day 5: Back to Basics | {blurb} - June 20, 2013

    […] by people curing pork belly (don’t worry, I’m not going to pull a Chrissy Teigen and try to make my own bacon). But my point is this: bacon is perfection. Unless you cook it […]

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