Archive | 10:39 pm

home. cured. bacon.

10 Aug

Hey guys! Here are my tips to help you make that home cured bacon I was talking about earlier!

Ok ready?

Step one:

TRY TO BUY IT WITH THE EFFING SKIN OFF SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO SHAVE OFF THE SKIN AND THE NIPPLES YOURSELF. But if you can’t, just follow along. I’m here to help!

Step 2!

Work tirelessly until your wrists cramp to remove skin that you TRULY thought would be a lot easier to remove. Don’t forget to be super traumatized by how painfully difficult this is when paired with the fact you have nipples in your face. Also, go ahead and turn it into a race against time, for reasons completely unknown! This keeps things really lively and dangerous in your kitchen. Be sure to wear sandals or be barefoot as you slice because that’ll be one, greasy, slippery knife as you butcher! It’s super fun to take risks! Makes you feel alive!! Have a first aid kit laying around? Toss that shit out! First aid kits only ruin the fun that is making your own bacon!

Step 3!

Completely give the fuck up!

Congratulations! You have now gotten as far as I did with your home cured bacon!

Oh don’t forget to smile as hard as your face will let you as everyone on twitter tells you to “have the butcher skin it next time!”

Hope you’ve enjoyed tonight’s lesson! I know I sure did!

x!

EATALY

10 Aug

I don’t even….I can’t….I have no idea what to even say about this place.

It was like an amusement park for food lovers. Except instead of those overpriced 12 dollar churros at Disneyland, it’s a 24 dollar small wedge of cheese.

I have been hearing amazing things from everyone I know about this place, and it STILL did not do it justice…

If you’re in NYC…just go. I don’t know what else to say. You don’t have to buy things to have fun. But you should probably agree to the glass of wine as you shop…

in the bag? that would be a dog butt.

I didn’t even need tomatoes. but this…this made me buy tomatoes.

have a hankering for a shitload of mushrooms you’ve never heard of? go to Eataly!

something I also didn’t need? 20 shallots braided onto a vine. bought it.

gotta figure out something to do with these now too. any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

…someone isn’t quite as excited as I was.

they makea da mozzarella righta in front ofa you!

mistake: going during lunch time. cart-hating eaters abound.

this is where i had an excitement heart attack.

white wine makes me feel nauseous. this did not stop me from accepting.

a little confused about this cart situation. everything in the place was so beautiful and modern yet rustic and just…went. This? this ugliness made no sense to me. Although it’s one-handed turning ability (wine glass) was impeccable!

[insert large sausage joke here]

drugs and truffles. what arrrrre things you pay for by the ounce, Alex.

I return from my big shoot September 2nd around 3pm. I should be able to make it here, to this section, by 430.

explaining how large I need my pork belly to be. BACON CURING WEEK!

my “I freaking love this place” face

annnnnnnnnnnnnnything? *strokes beard*

got my pork! now I just need to find pink curing salts…which the butcher told me are “heavily regulated and hard to find”. heavily regulated?? this makes me want it more. and more of it. i will find you, salts.

someone woke up in the meat department. always hungry, this kid.

I. LOVE. TINY. BAKING. DISHES. goodbye money.

and finally, this spicy sopressata had no chance of making it home.

phew.

Eataly NYC

200 Fifth ave
New York, NY 10010
(646) 398-5100
Open Daily 11am-11pm

Subway: 23 St

xx

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